The Great Trumpian Wall of Southern America

All good leaders appreciate the grave importance of protecting their citizens from the threats of invading barbarians, be they Eurasian nomads, Visigoths, Huns, or . . . Mexicans.

Donald Trump knows his history and looks to that history with concern and anticipation. He will protect his people from the Great Mexican Horde, just as the Byzantine, Roman, and Qin emperors protected themselves from outside threats, and just as various medieval fortress towns from Italy to Britain to Russia, protected their people from barbarian raids. For too long, modern society has lived under the false impression that it is safe, but raping and pillaging is alive and well, citizens!

Great Wall
The Great Wall, China, photograph from early 19th century

Let’s look to history. The first parts of The Great Wall, the Great Wall of China, were begun in the eighth century BCE. By the third century BCE, during the Qin Dynasty, the distinct parts of the wall that had been built were finally connected into one massive wall to keep out invaders. Bonus: the walls were built using forced labor. The Trumpian Wall will borrow both the tenor of The Great Wall and its method of construction, thereby borrowing its “great”ness all the while making it free to the American people. Win-win. (To be determined: Who will be the forced laborers?)

The wonderful—really fantastic!—Romans built walls of their own. The Servian Walls were built in the fourth century BCE and the Aurelian Walls were built in the third century CE. These are classic walls, people. The best. Not only were their walls a class act, but their gates were too. Look at the Porta Esquilina for example. Trump the Great will see you, Porta Esquilina, and raise you. Nothing less than a triumphal arch will do. At several points along the wall there will be triumphal arches, much like the Arch of Titus, but of course with imagery of Trump the Great. These arches will serve as controlled points of entry.

Arch of Titus, 1st century, Rome

Let’s not forget the contributions of medieval and early modern fortress architecture. Most walls had crenellation, behind which archers could hide so as not to be murdered by  evil invaders. US border agents also need protection, so The Trumpian Wall will have crenellation as well. Also murder holes. Perhaps there is no need to drop burning oil, tar, or quicklime onto the Mexican invaders, but the murder holes will be useful nonetheless. Border agents will be able to communicate with the approaching invaders through these holes, without having to make physical contact. The best defense!

Gradara Castle, Marche, Italy, 12th–15th century

You might also notice that there are often towers embedded within medieval and early modern fortifications. This is the perfect opportunity to bring real estate opportunities to the American people along the southern border. At even intervals along the wall there will be Trump Towers, which can be rented for office or residential use.

Finally, in homage to our Russian overlords allies, we will construct the wall out of red brick, as at the Kremlin in Mother Russia.

Wall beteen Nikol. & Senate Towers
Kremlin Walls, Moscow, 15th century

There haven’t been any modern walls. Nope. No walls dividing any parts of Europe into East and West that caused strife, so there is no need to look to modern examples for guidance.

There has been some criticism from “environmentalists” who say that such a wall will harm wildlife, obstructing their natural migration patterns. This is just silly. Any animal is free to come and go through any of the many triumphal arches along the wall. No border agent will stop any wildlife from coming or going. These are baseless attacks!

Last but not least, the wall will pay homage to the great American artists Christo (some say he was born in Bulgaria, but everyone knows this is false!) and some woman with whom he worked (Who cares what her name was? Everyone knows there have been no great women artists!), who wrapped part of the Roman walls in the 1970s as part of some bizarre “modern art” project. Clearly this was silly, but it got a lot of attention. And by bringing the public’s attention to a famous artist, Trump the Great might deflect some of the criticism he’s gotten for threatening to do away with the NEA/NEH. Those sections of the wall that cross through the most dangerous border towns will be wrapped, so as to ensure extra safety for the US border agents. The fabric used will incorporate gold thread, which will shimmer in the sunlight as a sign of America’s great wealth and power in the face of those evil forces seeking to infiltrate our great land.

This is how we make America great again.

(Note: Trump the Great was inspired by the TV show Game of Thrones when planning his wall. Unfortunately, due to its southerly location, it will not be possible to build a wall of ice, as desired.)


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